Blog & Changes

I made the decision that I need to write this blog more, mainly for me, to get my feelings out there, to get my point across & to get dark thoughts out of my head. 

I am going to change the name of my blog, as I no longer date & I would like it to reflect my feelings & my moods. It is now going to be more about helping each other & ourselves, our mental health & how we must look after our mental wellbeing as well as our physical well being.

We need to take more time just to look up, look at the world around us, see the clouds, watch the birds, take time to just sit & enjoy a coffee, read a book, watch a film, just chat to a friend.

How often do we just rush about our daily lives without looking at where we are going, thinking out how our past has shaped us? I know I am guilty of this. 

I want to enjoy life, I want to be able to look back at my life & know that I made the most of every opportunity that came my way, grab life by both hands & shake it up a bit.

If I am unhappy with something then I am not going to bottle it up, I will either be realising it on here or telling the person that they have upset me! Oh dear this could get awkward! 

Love to you all x

Some Changes

I know you haven't heard from me for quite a while, but there have been so many changes in my life that I am afraid I have neglected you :(

This blog will no longer be about my dating life, I have been in a relationship for the past 10 months & it is going very well. So this will mainly be about me, my life, sometimes my friends & family, my work - what I can tell you about that & just chat in general really.

As some of you will know my life has been interesting, thankfully with age I have mellowed. When I was younger I was sharp, snappy & sometimes plain nasty to people, I know my faults though & no matter what I have always cared. Now some of you may say that I am getting everything I deserve, but do you really know what has gone on in my life or have you just listened to the rumours? Shall I put it all out there? Lay myself bare & then be judged? But remember "let him without sin cast the first stone".

Ok so I am divorced, my ex husband & I had a stupid row over floorboards of all things, but he had left me twice before & why should my children have to listen to abuse towards their mother? After he left the 3rd time my son told my mum that he was glad he had gone as there would be no more shouting.
It was really quite tramatic around this time, I couldn't cope, I hit rock bottom & when someone I worked with asked me on a date I said yes, something I never usually would have done. When my "husband" said he wanted a divorce I told him I was in no rush, he told me that I could divorce him for adultry with an un-named person or he would divorce me for adultry with an un-named person, as I was not going to waste money I didn't have on a divorce I let him divorce me. He even tried to make sure that the divorce papers were delivered to me on christmas eve, they arrived the week leading up to christmas.
He decided that he wasn't going to pay anything towards his children, I begged him to pay the mortgage so I could keep them stable in the family home, but he refused. He said he would pay me off & take over the mortgage but that was all he would do. I actually refused to do that. Then he decided that the house had to be sold, rather than be repossessed. This meant that we had to find somewhere to live, we ended up privately renting. When the house was sold, he took £5k, I paid the solicitors fees & then I was left with approx £10k to house the kids & I. We moved into a little garden flat that left alot to be desired. We didn't have a table to eat at so I used to put a table cloth over boxes & tell the kids we were having an adventure, I have some great memories of them when they were younger. It was this flat we discovered Harry Potter & our love of all those characters began.
All this time I was taking anti depressants, but everyday you have to get up & get on with it & we had to move again as my landlord decided to sell up. We found a lovely little house with a garden local so the kids could stay at the same school. I made friends in the road that we moved to & I even met a man through them. Sounds idyllic doesn't it? Well it wasn't, I started drinking & drink & anti depressents do not mix. I did so many things that I am not proud off, I would get drunk during the day, I would collect the kids from school drunk, I would drive drunk. But & this is a huge BUT I always made sure my kids had full bellies, clean bodies, clean clothes & knew they were loved. I always took them on trips oout, thorpe park, london, wherever I could, I always liked to include my nephew as well as it gave us a nice round number.
All this time their dad refused to pay maitenance for them, he told the CSA that he couldn't afford to, I was recieving £2.70 per week for each of my children. I didn't want to claim benefits but I actually didn't have any choice. Thankfully my parents made sure that we always had food in the house. Some months I would do things with the kids & wouldn't pay the bills but my kids have wonderful memories & thankfully my parents picked up the pieces.
They always saw their dad, every other weekend. When we first parted I did say to him that we could've kept the house going with him moving in there at weekends to be with the kids & I would move into my parents, but he didn't want to know. I found out later why, he had met a woman. He had actually met her while we were still married. He had gone to Swanage with a friend of his for the weekend & she had followed him back this way & chased him, she knew he had a wife & kids but that is all in the past.
Still I was drinking, this actually went on for a year, it was a year too long, I was probably a couple of drinks away from alcoholism. I am very open & honest about this. I drank, I was a drunk. I neglected my kids while I was drinking. Never once did the authorities get involved, never once did the school get involved, never once did ANYONE make any attempt to take my kids away from me. Yes they probably should have gone on an at risk register but NO-ONE was interested. Including it felt like family. I felt alone.
I was still seeing this man that I had been introduced to & to my utter shame I knew he was married but due to the amount I was drinking I didn't care. Around this time I decided that I would go back to college to study English & maths, I had passed them at school but I was bored at home so this was a good way to pass the time. While I was studying I eased off the drink & began to see what my life was like. I also managed to make a complete break from the destructive relationship I was in. I might not have been bothered about him having a wife but I was bothered when he got himself another girlfriend.
Around this time my landlord decided to sell up & that meant the kids & I would be homeless again, thankfully the council put us into tempory accomodation, it moved us away from the friends I had made & made me reavaluate everything. I also decided that it was time to go back to work. I spoke to my ex husband & explained that he had to realistically provide for the kids, he did but this was as little as he could pay. He told the CSA that he lived in Brighton with his partner & travelled back to heathrow daily to work, everyone knew he was living at his parents house in Surrey. But he will always have to live with the fact that he lied to keep hold of his money. I managed to get myself a part time job that fitted in with the kids school hours, they went into afterschool clubs for about an hour a day & for some of the school holidays. Life was improving, I stopped drinking, I did more with the kids, I was happier in myself.
I dated, it gave me time to be an adult, but I made sure the kids came first. When the kids were at their dads I would go & see a male friend that lived in Swindon. It fizzled out eventually as these things do & I carried on with my life with the kids. I rarely drank & rarely went out.

I eventually met someone else & without me wanting him too he moved himself into my home, he tried to take over my life & alienate me from my friends & family. After 18 months I found out that he was contacting other women on facebook & had spent all my money, more fool me for allowing him access to my money. My parents agreed to help me out as long as he went, so he was kicked to the kerb & life got back to normality. Not long after this I started this blog to catalouge my dating disasters. Then 10 months ago I met a man & BAM! life as I know it changed for the better, I am calmer, I am more relaxed. He makes me want to be a better person. I spend weekends with him, the kids are adults now so I can have more freedom. I don't know what the future will bring & for once I am not worrying about it.
There will be more from me, I need to tell you all about the breakdown I had last year. But until I write again, please stay safe x

Game playing

I don't play games with peoples feelings, I never have done & its not something I will ever do. I know some women & men play games with peoples feelings & having been on the recieving end of this it is so hurtful.

I have a friend who means a great deal to me be pulled in two directions, he has recently met someone & this seems to be going well, but there is an ex who he is still on friendly terms with, personally I have never managed that, when its over its over. The ex has found out about this new relationship & has decided that she wants my friend back.

This is the classic, "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you". My friend can't see this, he is such a nice guy, the newbie can but doesn't feel it is right to slag the ex by telling him. He has been apart from the ex for about 3 years now, I have been informed that she has messed him about & just when he is making changes & seems to be happy & laughing every day she has done this. You are an ex for a reason, taking an ex back is like going to a car boot & buying your own crap! Why would you do it?

I know that if you love someone you fight for them, but after 3 years surely you would have fought before now? This is when I am ashamed of some women, they are willing to hurt another woman just because they are jealous. No that is not what you do, you hold your head high & leave with your dignity.

So what do you all think? Playing games with him or does she genuinely want him back?

Unseen Scars & The Damage That They Cause

Emotional abuse is not only hurtful, it attacks and decimates a child's self esteem. It is particularly damaging to the child's sense of self worth and emotional development. A child who endures emotional abuse can experience long term effects that will carry over into adulthood. The most disturbing part of emotional abuse, though, is that it is very difficult to prove or even recognize. It does not leave bruises or visible scars like physical abuse does. However, there are ways to detect emotional child abuse, and what actions you can take to stop it.

What is Emotional Abuse?

A pattern of behavior directed toward a child by an authority figure in the child's life that attacks his or her emotional wellbeing is emotional abuse. When a parent or authority figure places unreasonable, excessive or impossible demands on the child, uses intimidation and aggressive methods or uses verbal attacks it can be considered emotional abuse. Verbal attacks may include belittling, rejecting, cruel teasing, constant criticism and insulting. In short, any attack that undermines that child's self esteem is child abuse. Emotional abuse can also mean psychological or emotional neglect. When the parent or caregiver denies the child love, guidance or support, they are robbing that child of the ability to experience normal psychological growth and development.

Emotional Abuse vs Physical Abuse

While physical abuse is terrible, emotional abuse may, in some ways, be even more heinous. In fact, many people feel that emotional abuse is worse. With physical abuse, the victim is validated. The scars and bruises are visible. There is tangible evidence that abuse has occurred. However, emotional abuse is not so easily detected. There are no scars, no bruises. There is only a barrage of emotional pain that tears down the child, wrecking his or her psychological well being. Much of the time, the victim of emotional abuse feels that they are to blame, that they somehow caused the abuse. They may even feel that they are "crazy" or that they are in error by feeling that they are being abused. The abuser often contributes to this twisted way of thinking, actually convincing the victim that they "made" the abuser hurt them or that if only they were better, smarter, prettier, whatever, they would not be hurt. The scars run deep, but they are not so easily seen.

Impacts of Emotional Abuse: Immediate and Long Term

The effects of emotional abuse can be devastating and difficult to reverse. The body mends, but when the mind, spirit or psychology is broken, it is a much longer and more difficult road to repair it. Emotional abuse impacts the child's psychological, emotional, social and cognitive development. The effects may appear immediately and plague the child well into adulthood. Those effects can manifest in the child in some heartbreaking ways. Some common problems that may result from emotional abuse include:

• Insecurity
• Social Withdrawal
• Alcohol Abuse
• Poor Self Esteem
• Lack of Confidence
• Destructive Behavior
• Depression
• Anti Social Behavior
• Impaired Development of Basic Skills
• Defiant Behavior Particularly with Authority Figures
• Difficulty in Forming and Maintaining Relationships
• Unstable Job History
• Suicide

These effects may occur in varying degrees, ranging from mild to self destructive. Sometimes, placing the child in a loving, supportive environment can rebuild what the emotional abuse has torn down, but quite often, professional psychiatric care is necessary.

Know the Signs

While emotional abuse does not carry the bruises and scars that are hallmark indicators of typical abuse, there are ways to detect it. The indicators usually depend upon the age of the child, but one of the primary red flags is a child whose behavior is not consistent with his or her age. Some observable indicators of child emotional abuse include:

• Rocking
• Sucking (thumb, fingers, etc) or Biting His or Her Self
• Inappropriate Aggression
• Stealing
• Lying
• Destructive to Other People or to Property
• Sleep Disorders
• Speech Disorders
• Restricts Play Activities or Experiences
• Compulsive
• Obsessive
• Excessive Anger
• Has Phobias
• Hysterical Outbursts

A child's behavior can also be a strong indicator of abuse. Some telling behaviors include:

• Self Destructive
• Withdrawn
• Makes Negative Statements about Himself or Herself
• Overly Aggressive
• Shy or Passive
• Cruel to Animals
• Overly Demanding
• Overly Compliant
• Delay in Physical, Mental and Emotional Development
• Cruel to Others

Family behaviors can also indicate emotional abuse. If you are in a position to observe the family, some red flags to look for are:

• Indifference Toward the Child's Welfare or Problems
• Is Cold Toward the Child
• Rejects the Child
• Blames the Child
• Puts the Child Down
• Call the Child Cruel, Damaging or Inappropriate Names
• Withholds Affection
• Shows Preferential Treatment to Siblings

It is important to keep in mind, however, that isolated incidents do not necessarily indicate abuse. These behaviors can be attributed to traumatic events in the child's life or something that upsets the child. The key factor in determining if the behavior indicates abuse is if there is a pattern of behavior. In that case, the tell tale signs should not be ignored and action should be taken.
How you can HelpIf a child comes to you and reports that they are being abused, proceed carefully so that you can best help the child.
Stay calm. Your first reaction may be to get angry. Don't. Stay calm and try not to let your face register any shock, anger or disgust you may feel on the inside.
Avoid Denial. You may be tempted to deny what they child says, tell them that they must be mistaken. This is a big mistake. If you feel that you are going to deny what the child is telling you, just close your mouth and listen.
Be Reassuring. Give the child a safe place to speak, a place where they are not judges or criticized. Reassure them.
Do not Interrogate. Sit back and let the child talk. Stay away from leading questions or making statements about what happened. Just let them talk and you just listen.
Tell the Child that they did not do Anything Wrong. It is very difficult for a child to step up and tell someone that they have been abused. Let them know that you take what they said seriously and that it is not their fault.
Reporting child abuse can be difficult on a personal level. You may feel that you are "meddling" in someone else's affairs, breaking up a family or disrupting people's lives. However, by reporting suspected child abuse, you are making a difference in the life of a child. Sometimes we have to intervene to stop damaging and destructive behaviors that are being done to people who are weaker or have no voice, no power to stop it. When you step up and take action on behalf of a child in this position, you will not only make a difference in that child's life, you may also touch the lives of all of the people involved.

Back to my bad self!

Sometimes you just know when its time to get back to your normal self & for me it was over the last 5 days. I just had an epiphany, it actually happen at about 4pm on Thursday last week......

Now some of you would know that I was seeing a widower during the summer & I thought it was going quite well, I met his step children, I met his late wifes in laws, then out of the blue at the beginning of September he told me that were weren't having a relationship we were just friends! Well I don't know about you, but I do NOT sleep with my male friends, I do NOT cuddle up with my male friends & I do NOT hold hands with my male friends.

There was a lot building up at this point, everything got on top of me & I had a breakdown. My work was so good to me, I had 5 weeks off of work, my family was supportive & my friends were as always just wonderful & gradually with all this love & support I have gotten better, I wouldn't say I was 100% but I am getting there.

Now back to last Thursday, my phone rang & it was this widower telling me that he had missed me & that he now wanted to have a relationship with me.......now just one cotten picking minute you need a little bit of background on this man......

He has been married 5 times, the last wife passed away 2 months after they married & left him with her two children, one of which is disable. He met her in Febuary 2012, married her 10 months later & she passed away a year after meeting him, he knew she was ill & I can understand that she needed to make sure her children were cared for as her family would only take on the able bodied child. She always had a man living with her, she was never single, to me that smacks of desperation & it just seems as if she was looking for someone to care for her children. You can never know someone well enough after just a few months, he moved in with her after two days of knowing her. All this information came from him & the little girls carer who I knew.
Less than a month after she had passed away he was dating again, using a dating website & letting different women stay over, how confusing must that have been for those poor children, mind you I suppose that is what they were used to with their mother. My friend got in touch with me & said could she give him my number, at this point I knew nothing about him, I didn't even know how long he had been married for or how long he had be widowed for. He told me all about it all when we went out for dinner, then came the text messages all day long & him wanting to see me everyday. I spent all summer with him & his step children, who I got on with. The only thing I really wasn't happy with was they way he spoke to the eldest girl, he was always telling her that her mum hated her & that if she didn't behave he would have her put in care.
The relationship ended, by me, when he told me that we were just friends.....
Out of the blue one day he got in touch to tell me that someone had got in touch with social services & complained about the way he spoke to the children, I knew then he was trying to find out if it was me, it wasn't but I had to agree with the person that did get in touch with them. Personally I would have spoken to him myself. Of course this young girl was acting up, she had lost her mum, had to deal with watching her mum be so very ill & accept a new man in her mums life who she was told to call dad, her biological dad had only been back in her life for a month before this new man arrived on the scene. An adult would have trouble dealing with this but a child of 12 is of course going to be confused by it.

Now with that information back to last Thursday, so he tells me he now wants a relationship with me, but he still wants to be able to text different women he has met online.....errrr NO! I knew straight away that I didn't want him in my life or anything to do with him, but I made him wait until I was ready to tell him. During this time he told me that the so called mutual friend had shown him text messages I had sent her when I was hurting in September, now I can say these were not nice texts, they were mean, who hasn't sent text messages to a friend slagging an ex off? So I brooded all weekend on this & then decided that if I didn't confront them both it would eat away at me & affect my mental health again & there is no way I am risking that. I decided that I would go to his house when I finished work on Monday night........

I was invited in & offered a cup of tea, no thank you I'm not stopping. I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about & he started telling me that he wanted a relationship with me but only if he could carry on texting other women. I stopped him then & told him that I was sorry but I didn't want a relationship with him but I had the balls to tell him to his face not over a text message. I then told him that I had to go. As I was leaving I turned to my "friend" & said that to her that I was really disappointed in her because she had shown him text messages between the two of us. He then started shouting me down, that she hadn't so I told him that he had told me that she had, he said she told me about them & I just looked at him & said that is as bad & that no friend would do that if they actually were a friend. He then started shouting at me that I wasn't a friend anyway as it was me that reported him to social services, I told him that no it wasn't & if he thought that about me then why had he said he wanted a relationship with me? No answer, surprise surprise! I opened the front door to leave & said to him that I was going to wish him luck with his court case on Wednesday, he is going for guardianship of these children, but I really didn't think he should have them as he didn't deserve them & he was only keeping them to keep a roof over his head & the benefits that he got for them. Then I walked out & shut the door. THe front door opened & he shouted after me that I needed to go & take another pill, I turned around, smiled at him & told him that I was feeling great as I had taken two that morning!

I kept my dignity, held my head high, didn't swear once & walked away. I actually felt as if a great weight had been lifted from me. I hadn't lost a friend & a potential partner I had gained my self respect & got myself back.

The only thing that actually worries me is the children that are left in his care, he has a criminal record for violence against women & if the older one really rebels then I fear for her, but I just hope that the authorities do what they are supposed to do & make sure she is ok.

And that my friends is how I have got back to being me!

xx

Sorry I haven't posted

Firstly sorry I haven't posted anything for a while, I possibly should have seeing as writing things down tends to make me feel better. But my frame of mind really wasn't in a good place.

But I am back at work, trying to look as if I am feeling better, I am not really feeling very good at all but I can't really have anymore time off. Work has been very good & they are easing me back into work, but I just don't want to be here at the moment.
Mind you I don't want to be anywhere!

But lets just get back to the enjoyable stuff. I have had a couple of dates, nothing worth talking about though, just a quick drink with them.

Date number 1: Met him for a drink, after the ONE drink he wanted me to get in his car with him.....NOOOOOO!!!! That takes at least 3 dates, a meal & a hotel!

Date number 2: was a non-starter.....just someone I was chatting to, I actually went to school with him, he asked me if I fancied meeting for a drink but then told me he had saved some of my personal facebook pictures so he could show people his girlfriend......WHAT THE HELL! No they are my pictures, I am not anyones girlfriend. And he even told me that I could go to his work on New Years Eve & drink champange (cava) with him while he worked....hes a pot man in a social club! As I said NON-STARTER!!!!

Date number 3: Someone I grew up with contacted me & asked me to meet him for a drink, seeing as I knew him & his family I said yes. I told my family where I was going & who I was going with. I picked him up...the cheek, the pub we were going to is near my home. So I picked him up & he had been drinking all day & stunk of booze, turn off. When I managed to get a good look at him I realised that he had a funny shaped head, horrible clothes & I really didn't like his shoes. I know I am shallow but I really don't care. He managed to sink 3 pints in under an hour & all I had was one coke! As soon as I could I took him home, to his mothers, oh good god he lives with his mother! He decided to sing along to the radio, George Michaels A Different Corner, now as much as I love george I hate that song! So date number 3 was another wash out!

So now I am flirting with a friend & just seeing what happens. Obviously I will keep you all update if anything happens & I will also try & be a better blogger & keep you updated with all my news xx

Just a bit of a rant!

As you all know I suffer with depression, now I always know when it is getting bad, at the moment I am hitting a low, some of you might have noticed that I haven't really posted very much on Facebook recently, I just like to keep myself to myself when I am having a bad episode.
But what helps my depression is the fact that I have a dog, now this dog of mine was rescued by myself & my children from a house in Croydon where he had been abused to such an extreme he was afraid of bikes, men, children, going outside & pushchairs. He was going bald, had a skin condition, was under fed, had never been on a lead, had never been walked, but as soon as we opened the car door he happily got into it.
Between myself & my children we have got him to his recommended weight, his skin condition has cleared up & his fur has grown back. We are overcoming his phobias one step at a time, he walks confidently now, due to my son having a bike he has now gotten used to that, my 4 year old niece has spent time in my house helping him to get used to children, his phobia of men is slowly being overcome with the help of my dad & my brother coming to my house.
But mainly I now use him as an emotional support dog, this is now documented that dogs can help with depression:

How Dogs Help Symptoms of Depression

Dogs can help symptoms of depression because they are pack animals and instinctively form close bonds with other members of their "pack" or family. By their very nature, they will help provide emotional support to other members of their pack by being loyal and affectionate companions.

Physical Touch

• The sheer presence of a dog is calming - you're instinctively drawn to stroke or pet them. This can be especially helpful for people suffering from anxiety disorders or panic attacks  

• The sense of Touch is hugely beneficial psychologically - the act of stroking your pet can be soothing, and so improve your mood if you are down or depressed. It can also lower your blood pressure and stress levels.

Affection and Self Esteem

• 
  
• 
  
• Pets are uncomplicated - they don't have their own agendas and they love you unconditionally
• Caring for another living being and receiving affection in return is great for anyone's self-esteem - 
• 
  
• especially if you are lonely, bereaved or depressed.

Reducing Isolation and loneliness

• Dogs are a talking point and "social lubricant"- small as it may seem a simple exchange of pleasantries between dog owners in the park can be hugely helpful if you are feeling isolated, depressed or anxious. They also tend to be a good supply of silly stories to help break the ice

• Dog-related activities can form the beginnings of new hobbies, friendships. Activities vary from basic obedience to flyball or dog agility classes.

Taking Responsibility

• In rescuing a support dog you are taking on responsibility for the care and wellbeing of another living being, even if it has four paws instead of two legs! Hugely rewarding though it may be, its also a big responsibility and not a small undertaking to be cast aside or left behind lightly. When you are feeling rock bottom your responsibility as guardian to the dog you rescued can be a 
• 
  
• lifeline.

Relationship Building

• In rescuing a dog, you are effectively acquiring a new member of your family or pack, which, 
• 
  
• like any relationship, will grow with trust, respect, loving bonds but also bring its share of relationshp tension and challenges to be worked through, much like a relationship with a human family member might do.

Managing Thoughts and Feelings

• Dogs don't understand our verbal conversation, they read us at a much more fundamental level of energy and emotional state - you can't lie to a dog ! They instictively know when you are projective negative energy because you are feeling down, upset and respond.
• Dog's behave best when they are exposed to positive calm assertive energy, if you are stressed, tense, anxious, frustrated, or upset, your dog will be less responsive to your commands and more likely to, say, pull on the lead or not return when you call. To be a successful calm assertive pack leader for your dog, you first need to be self aware of your own emotions and state of mind and how affects your dog.
• When you achieve a calm, assertive, confident state of mind, your dog wiill perform at his best and be your perfect companion. Over time acquiring the skill of being a calm assertive pack leader will help you manage your mind, emotions and stress levels more effectively, enabling you to cope better with life's difficulties and stay positive more often.

Exercise and Routine

• Dogs get you out of the house - fresh air, physical exercise and a change of scene are proven to help boost people's mood and ease depression symptoms
• Caring for a dog helps form a daily routine and structure that can help keep you going, one foot after the other. No matter how depressed you are, your dog still needs feeding and walking!

Laughter

• Last but far from least - they really can make you laugh in spite of your depression when they inevitably do very silly, daft things

How has your dog helped you?

If you have any positive stories to add to this list then send them to us using our feedback form.