Oh Oer Sargent!

Well what can I say, I went on a date with a Sargent in the Army, just a drink, well diet pepsi for me! He seemed like a very nice man, grown up....for a change! But then he broke one of the rules, he started talking about his ex wife....I managed to only glaze over the once, now thats good for me! But remember, we don't mind finding out that you are single, divorced, separated, but please don't spend the whole evening talking about the ex! It is so off putting.

Now he was obviously still bitter, so in that respect he is not ready for any sort of relationship. In my own way, I was nice, I suggested that we would be better of staying just friends. Now I wouldn't mind but he was FIT!

Anyway, staying as friends is not an issue for me but it seems it might just be for some other people....this is what happened........

Now the Sargent decided to text me the following day, just chatty stuff, how was my day, how was work, what was I doing that sort of thing. Now those of you that know me well will know that I go to bed early, so I explained that I was just going to bed as I get up at around 5am for work. So he is still texting, fine I think, I will say goodnight & hopefully that will be it. All of a sudden I get another text but this is a video image.....now please understand that women like flowers, chocolates, we don't want to see a video of you playing with your rather small man bits! Especially when it looks like a button mushroom! All I could think was JESUS CHRIST IN A SIDECAR!!!! Yes I watched it! It would be rude not to really! But I deleted it, I know I am meant to send it on to all my girlfriends, but holy cow! Why in gods name would anyone send something like that to someone who is just meant to be a friend?????? But what really amused me was the fact that he was in uniform & in his office!

I have to say that this sort of thing does nothing for me! I mean what the hell was he thinking, did he really think we could be friends if he was going to send this sort of thing to me????? Now this is one man that is deleted........

Rules of Dating.....

Ok so we all know about stay safe when dating, making sure that someone knows where you are but there are some other rules to follow....
I have spoken to men & women about this so this is coming from both sides......enjoy!

He asks, she pays: The one traditional dating "do" that still stands is the general belief that men are supposed to make the first move. However women are now offering to pay on the first date. Men did you hear that? If you ask us out for dinner, we might just foot the bill. Sounds like a win-win situation to us!

 All it takes is 15 minutes: And no I am not talking about sex! Minds out of the gutter             people!!! To decide if you & your date have chemistry. Apparently 31% of both men & women agree that 15 minutes of a date is all it takes to decide. Worried that your next date will bail if they are not into you, don't only 12% of singles would actually leave before the night was over and even I wouldn't do that & lets face it I go on some awful dates!

Honesty is still the best policy: Not enjoying your date? Tell him or her! Whats the point of spending an evening with someone who is grating on your last nerve. No-one gets anything our of being dishonest & you never know when you'll run into then again in later life......can you imagine if you have told them you are emigrating & you then bump into them! LOL

Don't go all the way: At least not until well after your first date! Holding out on your date builds mystery, and if your date can get it all in one night why would they bother wanting round two? Personally, I make sure my legs need shaving & my underwear doesn't match, that why no-one is getting a look at me!

Its ok to follow up: Its just a matter of when? Most women like to follow up within 24 hours, men like to play it cool and can sometimes make women wait for up to 3 days.....Right I like to send a brief text thanking the man for a lovely evening, the lines of communication are then open. Men if you make us wait for up to 3 days we are going off the boil & we lose interest. We don't need to be bombarded with texts, emails etc but just a hi how are you is nice!!!

Yes you can Facebook friend your date: Ah social media.....do you or don't you facebook your date? Personally I like to see what they have on their facebook, but then I am extremely nosy! But do you wait until the relationship is established before you friend them?

Spend time with your friends: Don't forget you have friends! And don't shove your new date down your friends throats, we are pleased for you but we don't need all the details of every little thing they have said to you....

The past is the past: We all have a past, we all have ex's, some more than others....yes I mean me! But if you are still bitter about your ex then you aren't ready to date anyone else. Your date will glaze over if you go on about how nasty & evil the ex is, yes we know they are thats why you are back dating! Remember your dating history is a bit like your cv, make it interesting but keep it short. Its not this is your life. Your date wants to know about you!

Listen: Be attentive, listen to your date, ask questions, find out what the other person likes. Use open questions, you don't want a yes or no answer, remember you are both nervous. This is like a job interview!

Drink: Do not get drunk! That is so unattractive in a man or a woman! Control yourself, if you think you need dutch courage you are definitely are not ready for this!

Keep it simple: you don't have to spend a fortune to impress anyone, a simple lunch, a walk in the park, a visit to a museum can be lovely places to start & it will give you chance to get to know each other. Or you can go all out, hire a limo & buy bottles of champagne, but thats if you are taking me out...oh I like flowers, chocolates & cocktails!

Remember enjoy yourself, but not too much!

A couple of tales from other people.

I was told a couple of dating stories this week, I am not going to name the person who told me, but needless to say I found them very funny so I thought I would share them with all my lovely nutjobs......

A friend of mine went on a first date, please remember it was a FIRST date, my friend is male so this is from his point of view. He & the female decided that they would go for a country walk, all is going well, they are chatting & strolling, both wearing sensible shoes.....well no point in wearing a decent pair in case of mud!
They decided to go for a bit to eat & as they were near the females home, they both went back there first to tidy themselves up, she needed to put something more suitable for a restaurant & he needed to get the mud off his shoes.
While he is wiping the mud from his shoes, she calls him to come into another room, where he finds her, stark naked laying on her bed.......After he managed to get his jaw from the floor he told her he had something in the van for her & would be right back......he got in the van & went home! Moral of this story.......hold something back ladies! Lol

This is a story from the same person but about his sister.....Now is sister has been on a couple of dates with this one particular guy, he has now invited her to his house for a meal. How romantic I hear you saying, but wait what is this, our female is sitting at the table waiting to be served when the gentleman enters the room wearing nothing but his apron, stockings, suspenders, french knickers & a bra.......needless to say there was no sausage for dinner that evening!

Sometimes hearing other peoples stories makes me feel so much better about my terrible dates!

But an update on the guy that stood me up.....he has deleted my number & told me that I am not funny, is this man stupid? Of course I am funny, I must have a sense of humour I was going to let him take me out!

I do have some classic comebacks to share with you all but I will publish those later x

Fear

Have you ever stood in a room full of people & felt so alone that you have such a pain in your chest that it actually feels like your heart is breaking? I have.
Most days I can be surrounded by people & still feel so lonely that I wonder if anyone notices that I am there or if they would miss me if I wasn't. Don't worry I am not talking about killing myself, just not being there for anyone anymore.
I sit alone at work, it's quite lonely being a receptionist, surprisingly, people come & go but they are never there long enough to talk to.
I come home, I cook dinner, I eat alone, I put the other two dinners in the microwave till the kids want theirs, I watch a bit of tv, then go to bed only to wake up & do it all over again. I know I'm not the only person that feels like this, but when it's you then it feels like it is.
My biggest fear, apart from any harm coming to my kids, is that I will die alone, I know that I am lucky that I have a close family around me, but in that last moment doesn't everyone want that one love to be there telling them that it will be ok, that they will always love them.
Is it so wrong to want it all, to keep my independence but to have someone that at the end of the day is there to listen to your day, to pour that glass of wine, to tell you that they love you? Or is that just movie talk?
Maybe the films have spoilt it all for us all, we want everything & if it isn't like the movies then it isn't enough for us?
Me I suppose I will keep kissing frogs looking for my prince & make sure my glass slipper is safe, just in case.
But still there is that undercurrent of fear that I will end my days alone, with just my books for company......

Errors of judgement....

Last week I published a blog that was never meant to hurt anybody, but the person it was about read it & feelings were hurt.
I did apologise to him, both publicly & privately. I had been looking forward to going on a date, not for your amusement of course, but because this is someone that I get on with & I like. This now has become a non starter for me.
So I have realised that I need to take more care when writing my blogs, I must think before I hit that publish button.
But as a caution to you all.....please read all the blogs, put what I am saying into perspective. I am not being malicious, I just tend to see the humour in the dates that I go on.

What makes a good date though?
Timekeeping is a good start, thinking about the person you are taking out, check that they will enjoy paint balling & that you tell them where they are going to be going? That way I won't have my high heels on if I should be wearing my trainers.....no I don't want to do a tandem bungee jump or see your stamp collection, you don't have to talk all the time, listening is good. I don't want to hear about your terrible past relationships, it's in the past for a reason, I don't need to share all my past learning curves, just so you are aware I never mistakes I only have learning curves.....
Be positive, be upbeat, but don't think you have to be entertain me all the time, sometimes quiet it good. Think about what it was that attracted you to the other person.
But finally enjoy the date & be yourself, there is no point pretending to be something you aren't you will get found out in the long run......

Happy Divorce Day!

Well 12 years ago today my marriage was disolved.....sad yes, no-one expects to get married just to get divorced, but for me it was over & done with, apart from having two kids so the contact will always have to be there.
I made the decision to keep my married name, it makes life so much easier with the kids & of course it just irritated the life out of the ex as well.....But thats actually mean & I am not going to be mean HA HA HA!

My ex moved on very quickly, but all credit to him he has had the same partner for 13 years or so. I would imagine that it works because he lives in Surrey all week & she lives in Dorset, so they are only actually together 2 days a week. He did try to convince everyone that he was living in Dorset & travelling Hayes for work daily but we all know how mean he is with his money so he would never spend on petrol like that! He also told us all in the end that he lives with his younger brothers during the week.

This is only a short blog as today I am just going to sit here & glow in my bubble of divorced happiness......

To all of you that are going through a divorce it does get better, it does get easier & life turns out pretty much ok in the end!

So everyone enjoy your day, I intend to enjoy mine, I might actually treat myself to a big old bar of chocolate later in celebration.....

Sending you love & blessings xx

Domestic Violence

Not only do I support mental health awareness, I am a strong supporter of domestic violence awareness, not only for women but for men to.

We never know what goes on behind closed doors of someone's home. Domestic violence is not only physical, its mental abuse, its verbal abuse, its sexual abuse, its financial abuse, its honour based abuse. No-one has the right to treat another human being in this way. Domestic violence is a crime & one in four women/men will be affected by some form of domestic abuse in their lifetime.

Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Its aim is to chip away at the confidence and independence of victims with the intention of making her compliant and limiting her ability to leave. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, threats of violence and controlling behaviour.
Many abused women define the psychological effects of domestic abuse as having a ‘more profound effect on their lives- even where there have been life-threatening or disabling physical violence . Despite this, there is almost always pressure to define domestic abuse in terms of actual or threatened, physical violence.

There are a broad range of behaviours that come under the heading of physical abuse including actions such as punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning and strangling. It should be noted that strangulation is the most common method of intimate partner homicide.

Rape and sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships because a women's right to consent is likely to be ignored. In fact evidence suggests that 45% of all rape is committed by current partners and these incidents are less likely to come to the attention of the police than those committed by strangers . Any situation in which an individual is forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. In addition, women whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are thought to be at a higher risk of experiencing multiple and escalating assaults. Research also indicates that women who are raped by their husbands or partners are likely to suffer severe psychological affects because of the prolonged level of fear they are likely to experience.

Economic or financial abuse aims to limit a victim's ability to access help. Tactics may include controlling the finances; withholding money or credit cards; making someone unreasonably account for money spent/petrol used; exploiting assets; withholding basic necessities; preventing someone from working; deliberately running up debts; forcing someone to work against their will and sabotaging someone's job.

‘Honour' based violence (HBV) is a form of domestic abuse which is perpetrated in the name of so called ‘honour'. The honour code which it refers to is set at the discretion of male relatives and women who do not abide by the ‘rules' are then punished for bringing shame on the family. Infringements may include a woman having a boyfriend; rejecting a forced marriage; pregnancy outside of marriage; interfaith relationships; seeking divorce, inappropriate dress or make-up and even kissing in a public place.
HBV can exist in any culture or community where males are in position to establish and enforce women's conduct, examples include: Turkish; Kurdish; Afghani; South Asian; African; Middle Eastern; South and Eastern European; Gypsy and the travelling community (this is not an exhaustive list).
Males can also be victims, sometimes as a consequence of a relationship which is deemed to be inappropriate, if they are gay, have a disability or if they have assisted a victim.
This is not a crime which is perpetrated by men only, sometimes female relatives will support, incite or assist. It is also not unusual for younger relatives to be selected to undertake the abuse as a way to protect senior members of the family. Sometimes contract killers and bounty hunters will also be employed.

Domestic abuse is often talked about in a gendered manner, but it is important to recognise that men experience domestic abuse as victims too. Men's experiences are likely to be significantly different to women though.
The research that is available suggests that women are more likely than men to experience domestic abuse in their lives and to suffer repeated victimisation. They are also more likely to be injured, or have to seek medical help. Another difference is that men are less likely to be murdered by female abusers; Home Office figures reveal that on average, 100 women a year and around 30 men a year are killed within a domestic abuse context. Women are almost exclusively killed by men whereas in contrast approximately one third of the men are killed by other men and a little under a third are killed by women against whom they have a documented history of abuse.
Many men who experience domestic abuse from a current or former partner find it difficult to get support; not least because it can be hard for men to acknowledge and discuss their experiences. This can be due to any number of reasons, including love for a partner, embarrassment or shame and concern for any children, or simply not knowing where to go.
Men may attempt different techniques to cope. Coping strategies including adopting an ‘I can handle this' attitude and adapting their behaviour to appease the abuser. Coping strategies like this may make life temporarily safer and easier but they are unlikely to stop the abuse.

An abused women is often overwhelmed by fear, which can govern her every move – a fear of: further violence, the unknown, her safety and the safety of her children – do not underestimate the effects of fear

She often believes that she is at fault and that by changing her behaviour the abuse will stop. Research shows that this is not the case

She may experience a conflict of emotions. She may love her partner, but hate the violence. She may live in hope that his good side will reappear

She may be dependent upon her partner, emotionally and financially

She may experience feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment

She may feel resigned and hopeless and find it hard to make decisions about her future

Talk to her and help her to open up. You may have to try several times before she will confide in you

Try to be direct and start by saying something like,“I’m worried about you because …..” or“I’m concerned about your safety…”

Do not judge her

Listen to and believe what she tells you – too often people do not believe a woman when she first discloses abuse

Reassure her that the abuse is not her fault and that you are there for her

Don’t tell her to leave or criticise her for staying. Although you may want her to leave, she has to make that decision in her own time. It is important to remember that research shows an abused woman is at most risk at the point of separation and immediately after leaving an abusive partner

Leaving takes a great deal of strength and courage. An abused woman often faces huge obstacles such as nowhere to go, no money and no-one to turn to for support

Focus on supporting her and building her self confidence

Acknowledge her strengths and frequently remind her that she is coping well with a challenging and stressful situation

An abused woman is often very isolated and has no meaningful support – help her to develop or to keep up her outside contacts. This can help to boost her self esteem.

If she has not spoken to anyone else, encourage her to seek the help of a local domestic violence agency that understands what she is going through and offers specialist support and advice

Be patient. It can take time for a woman to recognise she is being abused and even longer to take be able to take safe and permanent decisions about what to do. Recognising the problem is an important first step

A woman’s safety and the safety of her children is paramount

Talk to her about how she and her children can keep safe

Help her to stay safe:

• Agree a code word or action that is only known to you both so she can signal when she is in danger and cannot access help herself
• Don’t make plans for her yourself, but encourage her to think about her safety more closely and focus on her own needs rather than his
• Find out information about local services for her; offer to keep spare sets of keys or important documents, such as passports, benefit books, in a safe place for her so that she can access them quickly in an emergency

Encourage her to think of ways in which she can increase the safety of her children

Remember that it isn’t children’s responsibility to protect their mother. In an emergency they could call for help from the police, go to a neighbour, or a relative or someone they trust.

When you look at someone how can you tell if they are a victim of domestic abuse? When you look at me can you see a victim of domestic abuse? No? Well I married a man who emotionally, verbally, financially & psychologically abused me throughout our marriage. Then every partner I have had since has abused me since. Is that my fault? Is it a pattern?

This is why I am happier alone.

We all have a responsibility to stop this, if you or someone you know is being abused please, please get help.

Possibly more fun in the next blog xx