Unseen Scars & The Damage That They Cause

Emotional abuse is not only hurtful, it attacks and decimates a child's self esteem. It is particularly damaging to the child's sense of self worth and emotional development. A child who endures emotional abuse can experience long term effects that will carry over into adulthood. The most disturbing part of emotional abuse, though, is that it is very difficult to prove or even recognize. It does not leave bruises or visible scars like physical abuse does. However, there are ways to detect emotional child abuse, and what actions you can take to stop it.

What is Emotional Abuse?

A pattern of behavior directed toward a child by an authority figure in the child's life that attacks his or her emotional wellbeing is emotional abuse. When a parent or authority figure places unreasonable, excessive or impossible demands on the child, uses intimidation and aggressive methods or uses verbal attacks it can be considered emotional abuse. Verbal attacks may include belittling, rejecting, cruel teasing, constant criticism and insulting. In short, any attack that undermines that child's self esteem is child abuse. Emotional abuse can also mean psychological or emotional neglect. When the parent or caregiver denies the child love, guidance or support, they are robbing that child of the ability to experience normal psychological growth and development.

Emotional Abuse vs Physical Abuse

While physical abuse is terrible, emotional abuse may, in some ways, be even more heinous. In fact, many people feel that emotional abuse is worse. With physical abuse, the victim is validated. The scars and bruises are visible. There is tangible evidence that abuse has occurred. However, emotional abuse is not so easily detected. There are no scars, no bruises. There is only a barrage of emotional pain that tears down the child, wrecking his or her psychological well being. Much of the time, the victim of emotional abuse feels that they are to blame, that they somehow caused the abuse. They may even feel that they are "crazy" or that they are in error by feeling that they are being abused. The abuser often contributes to this twisted way of thinking, actually convincing the victim that they "made" the abuser hurt them or that if only they were better, smarter, prettier, whatever, they would not be hurt. The scars run deep, but they are not so easily seen.

Impacts of Emotional Abuse: Immediate and Long Term

The effects of emotional abuse can be devastating and difficult to reverse. The body mends, but when the mind, spirit or psychology is broken, it is a much longer and more difficult road to repair it. Emotional abuse impacts the child's psychological, emotional, social and cognitive development. The effects may appear immediately and plague the child well into adulthood. Those effects can manifest in the child in some heartbreaking ways. Some common problems that may result from emotional abuse include:

• Insecurity
• Social Withdrawal
• Alcohol Abuse
• Poor Self Esteem
• Lack of Confidence
• Destructive Behavior
• Depression
• Anti Social Behavior
• Impaired Development of Basic Skills
• Defiant Behavior Particularly with Authority Figures
• Difficulty in Forming and Maintaining Relationships
• Unstable Job History
• Suicide

These effects may occur in varying degrees, ranging from mild to self destructive. Sometimes, placing the child in a loving, supportive environment can rebuild what the emotional abuse has torn down, but quite often, professional psychiatric care is necessary.

Know the Signs

While emotional abuse does not carry the bruises and scars that are hallmark indicators of typical abuse, there are ways to detect it. The indicators usually depend upon the age of the child, but one of the primary red flags is a child whose behavior is not consistent with his or her age. Some observable indicators of child emotional abuse include:

• Rocking
• Sucking (thumb, fingers, etc) or Biting His or Her Self
• Inappropriate Aggression
• Stealing
• Lying
• Destructive to Other People or to Property
• Sleep Disorders
• Speech Disorders
• Restricts Play Activities or Experiences
• Compulsive
• Obsessive
• Excessive Anger
• Has Phobias
• Hysterical Outbursts

A child's behavior can also be a strong indicator of abuse. Some telling behaviors include:

• Self Destructive
• Withdrawn
• Makes Negative Statements about Himself or Herself
• Overly Aggressive
• Shy or Passive
• Cruel to Animals
• Overly Demanding
• Overly Compliant
• Delay in Physical, Mental and Emotional Development
• Cruel to Others

Family behaviors can also indicate emotional abuse. If you are in a position to observe the family, some red flags to look for are:

• Indifference Toward the Child's Welfare or Problems
• Is Cold Toward the Child
• Rejects the Child
• Blames the Child
• Puts the Child Down
• Call the Child Cruel, Damaging or Inappropriate Names
• Withholds Affection
• Shows Preferential Treatment to Siblings

It is important to keep in mind, however, that isolated incidents do not necessarily indicate abuse. These behaviors can be attributed to traumatic events in the child's life or something that upsets the child. The key factor in determining if the behavior indicates abuse is if there is a pattern of behavior. In that case, the tell tale signs should not be ignored and action should be taken.
How you can HelpIf a child comes to you and reports that they are being abused, proceed carefully so that you can best help the child.
Stay calm. Your first reaction may be to get angry. Don't. Stay calm and try not to let your face register any shock, anger or disgust you may feel on the inside.
Avoid Denial. You may be tempted to deny what they child says, tell them that they must be mistaken. This is a big mistake. If you feel that you are going to deny what the child is telling you, just close your mouth and listen.
Be Reassuring. Give the child a safe place to speak, a place where they are not judges or criticized. Reassure them.
Do not Interrogate. Sit back and let the child talk. Stay away from leading questions or making statements about what happened. Just let them talk and you just listen.
Tell the Child that they did not do Anything Wrong. It is very difficult for a child to step up and tell someone that they have been abused. Let them know that you take what they said seriously and that it is not their fault.
Reporting child abuse can be difficult on a personal level. You may feel that you are "meddling" in someone else's affairs, breaking up a family or disrupting people's lives. However, by reporting suspected child abuse, you are making a difference in the life of a child. Sometimes we have to intervene to stop damaging and destructive behaviors that are being done to people who are weaker or have no voice, no power to stop it. When you step up and take action on behalf of a child in this position, you will not only make a difference in that child's life, you may also touch the lives of all of the people involved.

Back to my bad self!

Sometimes you just know when its time to get back to your normal self & for me it was over the last 5 days. I just had an epiphany, it actually happen at about 4pm on Thursday last week......

Now some of you would know that I was seeing a widower during the summer & I thought it was going quite well, I met his step children, I met his late wifes in laws, then out of the blue at the beginning of September he told me that were weren't having a relationship we were just friends! Well I don't know about you, but I do NOT sleep with my male friends, I do NOT cuddle up with my male friends & I do NOT hold hands with my male friends.

There was a lot building up at this point, everything got on top of me & I had a breakdown. My work was so good to me, I had 5 weeks off of work, my family was supportive & my friends were as always just wonderful & gradually with all this love & support I have gotten better, I wouldn't say I was 100% but I am getting there.

Now back to last Thursday, my phone rang & it was this widower telling me that he had missed me & that he now wanted to have a relationship with me.......now just one cotten picking minute you need a little bit of background on this man......

He has been married 5 times, the last wife passed away 2 months after they married & left him with her two children, one of which is disable. He met her in Febuary 2012, married her 10 months later & she passed away a year after meeting him, he knew she was ill & I can understand that she needed to make sure her children were cared for as her family would only take on the able bodied child. She always had a man living with her, she was never single, to me that smacks of desperation & it just seems as if she was looking for someone to care for her children. You can never know someone well enough after just a few months, he moved in with her after two days of knowing her. All this information came from him & the little girls carer who I knew.
Less than a month after she had passed away he was dating again, using a dating website & letting different women stay over, how confusing must that have been for those poor children, mind you I suppose that is what they were used to with their mother. My friend got in touch with me & said could she give him my number, at this point I knew nothing about him, I didn't even know how long he had been married for or how long he had be widowed for. He told me all about it all when we went out for dinner, then came the text messages all day long & him wanting to see me everyday. I spent all summer with him & his step children, who I got on with. The only thing I really wasn't happy with was they way he spoke to the eldest girl, he was always telling her that her mum hated her & that if she didn't behave he would have her put in care.
The relationship ended, by me, when he told me that we were just friends.....
Out of the blue one day he got in touch to tell me that someone had got in touch with social services & complained about the way he spoke to the children, I knew then he was trying to find out if it was me, it wasn't but I had to agree with the person that did get in touch with them. Personally I would have spoken to him myself. Of course this young girl was acting up, she had lost her mum, had to deal with watching her mum be so very ill & accept a new man in her mums life who she was told to call dad, her biological dad had only been back in her life for a month before this new man arrived on the scene. An adult would have trouble dealing with this but a child of 12 is of course going to be confused by it.

Now with that information back to last Thursday, so he tells me he now wants a relationship with me, but he still wants to be able to text different women he has met online.....errrr NO! I knew straight away that I didn't want him in my life or anything to do with him, but I made him wait until I was ready to tell him. During this time he told me that the so called mutual friend had shown him text messages I had sent her when I was hurting in September, now I can say these were not nice texts, they were mean, who hasn't sent text messages to a friend slagging an ex off? So I brooded all weekend on this & then decided that if I didn't confront them both it would eat away at me & affect my mental health again & there is no way I am risking that. I decided that I would go to his house when I finished work on Monday night........

I was invited in & offered a cup of tea, no thank you I'm not stopping. I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about & he started telling me that he wanted a relationship with me but only if he could carry on texting other women. I stopped him then & told him that I was sorry but I didn't want a relationship with him but I had the balls to tell him to his face not over a text message. I then told him that I had to go. As I was leaving I turned to my "friend" & said that to her that I was really disappointed in her because she had shown him text messages between the two of us. He then started shouting me down, that she hadn't so I told him that he had told me that she had, he said she told me about them & I just looked at him & said that is as bad & that no friend would do that if they actually were a friend. He then started shouting at me that I wasn't a friend anyway as it was me that reported him to social services, I told him that no it wasn't & if he thought that about me then why had he said he wanted a relationship with me? No answer, surprise surprise! I opened the front door to leave & said to him that I was going to wish him luck with his court case on Wednesday, he is going for guardianship of these children, but I really didn't think he should have them as he didn't deserve them & he was only keeping them to keep a roof over his head & the benefits that he got for them. Then I walked out & shut the door. THe front door opened & he shouted after me that I needed to go & take another pill, I turned around, smiled at him & told him that I was feeling great as I had taken two that morning!

I kept my dignity, held my head high, didn't swear once & walked away. I actually felt as if a great weight had been lifted from me. I hadn't lost a friend & a potential partner I had gained my self respect & got myself back.

The only thing that actually worries me is the children that are left in his care, he has a criminal record for violence against women & if the older one really rebels then I fear for her, but I just hope that the authorities do what they are supposed to do & make sure she is ok.

And that my friends is how I have got back to being me!

xx

Sorry I haven't posted

Firstly sorry I haven't posted anything for a while, I possibly should have seeing as writing things down tends to make me feel better. But my frame of mind really wasn't in a good place.

But I am back at work, trying to look as if I am feeling better, I am not really feeling very good at all but I can't really have anymore time off. Work has been very good & they are easing me back into work, but I just don't want to be here at the moment.
Mind you I don't want to be anywhere!

But lets just get back to the enjoyable stuff. I have had a couple of dates, nothing worth talking about though, just a quick drink with them.

Date number 1: Met him for a drink, after the ONE drink he wanted me to get in his car with him.....NOOOOOO!!!! That takes at least 3 dates, a meal & a hotel!

Date number 2: was a non-starter.....just someone I was chatting to, I actually went to school with him, he asked me if I fancied meeting for a drink but then told me he had saved some of my personal facebook pictures so he could show people his girlfriend......WHAT THE HELL! No they are my pictures, I am not anyones girlfriend. And he even told me that I could go to his work on New Years Eve & drink champange (cava) with him while he worked....hes a pot man in a social club! As I said NON-STARTER!!!!

Date number 3: Someone I grew up with contacted me & asked me to meet him for a drink, seeing as I knew him & his family I said yes. I told my family where I was going & who I was going with. I picked him up...the cheek, the pub we were going to is near my home. So I picked him up & he had been drinking all day & stunk of booze, turn off. When I managed to get a good look at him I realised that he had a funny shaped head, horrible clothes & I really didn't like his shoes. I know I am shallow but I really don't care. He managed to sink 3 pints in under an hour & all I had was one coke! As soon as I could I took him home, to his mothers, oh good god he lives with his mother! He decided to sing along to the radio, George Michaels A Different Corner, now as much as I love george I hate that song! So date number 3 was another wash out!

So now I am flirting with a friend & just seeing what happens. Obviously I will keep you all update if anything happens & I will also try & be a better blogger & keep you updated with all my news xx

Just a bit of a rant!

As you all know I suffer with depression, now I always know when it is getting bad, at the moment I am hitting a low, some of you might have noticed that I haven't really posted very much on Facebook recently, I just like to keep myself to myself when I am having a bad episode.
But what helps my depression is the fact that I have a dog, now this dog of mine was rescued by myself & my children from a house in Croydon where he had been abused to such an extreme he was afraid of bikes, men, children, going outside & pushchairs. He was going bald, had a skin condition, was under fed, had never been on a lead, had never been walked, but as soon as we opened the car door he happily got into it.
Between myself & my children we have got him to his recommended weight, his skin condition has cleared up & his fur has grown back. We are overcoming his phobias one step at a time, he walks confidently now, due to my son having a bike he has now gotten used to that, my 4 year old niece has spent time in my house helping him to get used to children, his phobia of men is slowly being overcome with the help of my dad & my brother coming to my house.
But mainly I now use him as an emotional support dog, this is now documented that dogs can help with depression:

How Dogs Help Symptoms of Depression

Dogs can help symptoms of depression because they are pack animals and instinctively form close bonds with other members of their "pack" or family. By their very nature, they will help provide emotional support to other members of their pack by being loyal and affectionate companions.

Physical Touch

• The sheer presence of a dog is calming - you're instinctively drawn to stroke or pet them. This can be especially helpful for people suffering from anxiety disorders or panic attacks  

• The sense of Touch is hugely beneficial psychologically - the act of stroking your pet can be soothing, and so improve your mood if you are down or depressed. It can also lower your blood pressure and stress levels.

Affection and Self Esteem

• 
  
• 
  
• Pets are uncomplicated - they don't have their own agendas and they love you unconditionally
• Caring for another living being and receiving affection in return is great for anyone's self-esteem - 
• 
  
• especially if you are lonely, bereaved or depressed.

Reducing Isolation and loneliness

• Dogs are a talking point and "social lubricant"- small as it may seem a simple exchange of pleasantries between dog owners in the park can be hugely helpful if you are feeling isolated, depressed or anxious. They also tend to be a good supply of silly stories to help break the ice

• Dog-related activities can form the beginnings of new hobbies, friendships. Activities vary from basic obedience to flyball or dog agility classes.

Taking Responsibility

• In rescuing a support dog you are taking on responsibility for the care and wellbeing of another living being, even if it has four paws instead of two legs! Hugely rewarding though it may be, its also a big responsibility and not a small undertaking to be cast aside or left behind lightly. When you are feeling rock bottom your responsibility as guardian to the dog you rescued can be a 
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• lifeline.

Relationship Building

• In rescuing a dog, you are effectively acquiring a new member of your family or pack, which, 
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• like any relationship, will grow with trust, respect, loving bonds but also bring its share of relationshp tension and challenges to be worked through, much like a relationship with a human family member might do.

Managing Thoughts and Feelings

• Dogs don't understand our verbal conversation, they read us at a much more fundamental level of energy and emotional state - you can't lie to a dog ! They instictively know when you are projective negative energy because you are feeling down, upset and respond.
• Dog's behave best when they are exposed to positive calm assertive energy, if you are stressed, tense, anxious, frustrated, or upset, your dog will be less responsive to your commands and more likely to, say, pull on the lead or not return when you call. To be a successful calm assertive pack leader for your dog, you first need to be self aware of your own emotions and state of mind and how affects your dog.
• When you achieve a calm, assertive, confident state of mind, your dog wiill perform at his best and be your perfect companion. Over time acquiring the skill of being a calm assertive pack leader will help you manage your mind, emotions and stress levels more effectively, enabling you to cope better with life's difficulties and stay positive more often.

Exercise and Routine

• Dogs get you out of the house - fresh air, physical exercise and a change of scene are proven to help boost people's mood and ease depression symptoms
• Caring for a dog helps form a daily routine and structure that can help keep you going, one foot after the other. No matter how depressed you are, your dog still needs feeding and walking!

Laughter

• Last but far from least - they really can make you laugh in spite of your depression when they inevitably do very silly, daft things

How has your dog helped you?

If you have any positive stories to add to this list then send them to us using our feedback form.

A few things to cover here.....

Sorry I was meant to write this last week, but of course life has got in the way as it does. But I have some good news for those who aren't friends of mine on Facebook, I am dating someone exclusively & he is making me happy & I am enjoying spending time with him. It's early days & I lie him a lot so that's all the information you will be getting for now, I might in time tell you more about this very grown up man that has entered my life but for now I really want to keep this to myself.

But in other news, my kids have been away to their fathers family in Spain & they seemed to have a good time, I missed them loads & I was so pleased to see them home, until of course normal family life resumed & we all starting arguing like children again!

I know in my last blog that I said I was at court with my friend as I wanted to support her during what has been quite traumatic for her family. She married her childhood sweetheart & it should have been all hearts & flowers but instead it was abuse & drugs. Her children suffered & he spent sometime in a foreign prison for trying to smuggle drugs into the country, but still she supported him. When he came back to this country he told her that he couldn't work due to his probation, now my friend is extremely gullible, but I love her, she believed him. So she continued to be the only person in the house that worked & good does she work hard.
Then she found out he was having an affair with a neighbour in the road that they lived, they moved to this house because he was having an affair with another woman, he moved I. With this other woman until the kids hounded her to take him back......so she did! Then hallelujah he announced one night, while I was there to his friend that they were splitting up, we looked at each other in shocked with me saying did you know?
But this meant that they had to sell up, the house thankfully was only in her name, he demanded that she pay him off, she did. He found a flat that we the taxpayers of this country pay for. All is gng ok for her, until they have to move again because of neighbours from hell & she met another man. Then the abuse starts again, vile text messages & threats. Her son moved in with his dad. Eventually she ended the relationship because her kids played up.
She then met another man, who is very nice to her, kind, accepting of the kids behaviour, all kids play up & obviously loves her a great deal.
They have now been together about 18 months & it looks like this will be a permanent relationship. But one night her daughter who is now 18 let her dad into her mums house, he has never been allowed in there, he proceeded to attack her partner, punching him with keys wrapped around his hand, kicking him when he went down, then left the property. The police were called & they took my friends phone as evidence of harassment to her as well has the assault on her partner.
Her estranged husband was arrested, they are not divorced yet even though they have been separated 4 1/2 years as he refuses to sign any papers. He admitted all the charges & it went to court where he pleaded not guilty, so now we all had to wait until it went back to court & my friend & her partner would have to stand up in court & give evidence against him. While it was waiting to go to court bail conditions were set, the usual, no contact directly or indirectly, do not go near the property. But still the husband sent vile text messages to my friend, I had to bully her into telling the police that he had broke his bail conditions, he then went back to court where they slapped him on the wrist & told him not to break them again.
Then my friend found out from her daughter that her dad had given her drugs to try & she was frightened, the police were called again because he sent threatening text messages to the daughter, so back he goes again regarding his bail conditions & yet again it's a slap on the wrist & don't break them again.
We then get to the court date, the night before he sent a message via their son to tell my friend if they turned up to give evidence there would be someone outside waiting for them, the police were aware of this & brought a uniformed officer to the court to sit in the room, now I could have taken this uniformed man down with my little finger.....we needed a butch one!
When the husband realised that my friend had gotten strong & was there he changed his plea to guilty, my friends partner still had to give evidence about the keys being in his hand but thankfully my friend didn't have to.
But I was shocked to my core when I saw my friends husband, I haven't seen him for about 4 years, he has had all his teeth removed, now my friend paid for those in the first place so I think she should have at least gotten them back in the divorce settlement! He was thin & dirty looking, he has had to live with his parents for a while as he has been ill with kidney stones. But I actually felt sorry for him, he is a shadow of the man he once was.
He is now awaiting sentencing next month & will probably just get community service but it means he will have this on record.

It's really is an example of what one more woman has had to put up with, so please if you are living in a situation that isn't acceptable, whether you are male or female, tell someone, report it to the police. No-one has to put up with this.

Maybe next time I will tell you more about my new relationship because there is a story ther for you all to read.......xx

Let go of the bitterness

I think this is a very apt title for this blog, I am currently sitting in Guildford court, in the witness room, as support for a friend of mine, who will be giving evidence today against the husband she is separated from. But more about that later.

Firstly I would like to make some things very clear, my ex husband divorced me 13 years ago stating the reason as adultery, but I never actually had an affair, he wanted a quick divorce & told me that I could either divorce him for adultery or he would me, if I'd known then what I know now I would have divorced him as he was having an affair. I have no problem with this & I am very open & honest about it, but he needs to get over it, move on & let go of the bitterness it will just eat away at him. I could be bitter about him paying a pittance maintenance for his children, or I could be bitter about being made to sell our home, making our children homeless & living like gypsies for years, but what's the point? It doesn't change what's happened, it's not going to get you anywhere, bitterness will only make you ill.

Now today the reason I am sat in a witness room in a court is because my friend & her partner were attacked by her estranged husband, they have been separated for 4 1/2 years but he can't move on, he will not sign the divorce papers. I can't go into details due to it going to court today.

When you have children you really have to be reasonable for their sakes, you are both still their parents, they will always need to have you in their lives & you have to remember at one point you loved the other person enough to create a family with them....

So angry

Right I know I haven't had anything to say for a while but you just aren't going to believe this!
I was contacted by a friends ex, they weren't together long & he asked me if I fancied going out for a drink, I spoke to my friend & she was perfectly ok with this so I met him for a coffee, not at all dressed up, I was off to the pub job!

He had been texting me & phoning & I explained because of the history I would only be friends with him. Towards the end of last week, he was calling me & saying that his youngest daughter wasn't well, she had had cancer when she was younger & they were concerned that it had returned. Now with any friend I would say the same thing, I am here if you need me, even if you just want to let of steam & chat.

So he text & called to say that he was off to Kettering to see her & find out what was going on, he text me when he arrived & said that things weren't looking good & they were arranging a transfer to Royal Marsden. Now I don't know about you but I have always assumed that if you are being transferred you would go in an ambulance, not this family, they went in his car on the Saturday evening.....

I had a nice lazy day on Sunday, killed out with my son, watched a couple of films, had text messages from this man telling me that his daughter would be having tests in the morning.

As you all know I have a low level of trust, when my friend was dating this man, I didn't trust him, she was never allowed to know where he lived, thank god I pay for people tracer, great website if you are Internet dating, she was not allowed to meet his kids, that I understand, he was always cancelling dates & when he did turn up he went home early. Well because of this low level of trust that I have of all people, men & women, I decided it was time to do some digging.....I called Kettering hospital & said I was checking that that transfer had gone ok, they had no record of this young lady......I then called Royal Marsden.......I told them that I wanted to send a care package to my friend that had been admitted on Saturday evening......NO RECORD!

Does that mean she is not in there? Does this mean he has been lying to me? Is this a HUGE mistake on his part? Does he not realise that I WILL confront him on this & I will get my revenge, but what really really ticks me off, notice that lack of swearing, is the fact that children are the most precious things that we are given & no self respecting parent would ever use their child as an excuse, especially with the reason being her cancer has returned. This is one sick & twisted man.......there will be more to follow on this subject! xx