Well 12 years ago today my marriage was disolved.....sad yes, no-one expects to get married just to get divorced, but for me it was over & done with, apart from having two kids so the contact will always have to be there.
I made the decision to keep my married name, it makes life so much easier with the kids & of course it just irritated the life out of the ex as well.....But thats actually mean & I am not going to be mean HA HA HA!
My ex moved on very quickly, but all credit to him he has had the same partner for 13 years or so. I would imagine that it works because he lives in Surrey all week & she lives in Dorset, so they are only actually together 2 days a week. He did try to convince everyone that he was living in Dorset & travelling Hayes for work daily but we all know how mean he is with his money so he would never spend on petrol like that! He also told us all in the end that he lives with his younger brothers during the week.
This is only a short blog as today I am just going to sit here & glow in my bubble of divorced happiness......
To all of you that are going through a divorce it does get better, it does get easier & life turns out pretty much ok in the end!
So everyone enjoy your day, I intend to enjoy mine, I might actually treat myself to a big old bar of chocolate later in celebration.....
Sending you love & blessings xx
Thursday 25 April 2013
Wednesday 24 April 2013
Domestic Violence
Not only do I support mental health awareness, I am a strong supporter of domestic violence awareness, not only for women but for men to.
We never know what goes on behind closed doors of someone's home. Domestic violence is not only physical, its mental abuse, its verbal abuse, its sexual abuse, its financial abuse, its honour based abuse. No-one has the right to treat another human being in this way. Domestic violence is a crime & one in four women/men will be affected by some form of domestic abuse in their lifetime.
Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Its aim is to chip away at the confidence and independence of victims with the intention of making her compliant and limiting her ability to leave. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, threats of violence and controlling behaviour.
Many abused women define the psychological effects of domestic abuse as having a ‘more profound effect on their lives- even where there have been life-threatening or disabling physical violence . Despite this, there is almost always pressure to define domestic abuse in terms of actual or threatened, physical violence.
There are a broad range of behaviours that come under the heading of physical abuse including actions such as punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning and strangling. It should be noted that strangulation is the most common method of intimate partner homicide.
Rape and sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships because a women's right to consent is likely to be ignored. In fact evidence suggests that 45% of all rape is committed by current partners and these incidents are less likely to come to the attention of the police than those committed by strangers . Any situation in which an individual is forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. In addition, women whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are thought to be at a higher risk of experiencing multiple and escalating assaults. Research also indicates that women who are raped by their husbands or partners are likely to suffer severe psychological affects because of the prolonged level of fear they are likely to experience.
Economic or financial abuse aims to limit a victim's ability to access help. Tactics may include controlling the finances; withholding money or credit cards; making someone unreasonably account for money spent/petrol used; exploiting assets; withholding basic necessities; preventing someone from working; deliberately running up debts; forcing someone to work against their will and sabotaging someone's job.
‘Honour' based violence (HBV) is a form of domestic abuse which is perpetrated in the name of so called ‘honour'. The honour code which it refers to is set at the discretion of male relatives and women who do not abide by the ‘rules' are then punished for bringing shame on the family. Infringements may include a woman having a boyfriend; rejecting a forced marriage; pregnancy outside of marriage; interfaith relationships; seeking divorce, inappropriate dress or make-up and even kissing in a public place.
HBV can exist in any culture or community where males are in position to establish and enforce women's conduct, examples include: Turkish; Kurdish; Afghani; South Asian; African; Middle Eastern; South and Eastern European; Gypsy and the travelling community (this is not an exhaustive list).
Males can also be victims, sometimes as a consequence of a relationship which is deemed to be inappropriate, if they are gay, have a disability or if they have assisted a victim.
This is not a crime which is perpetrated by men only, sometimes female relatives will support, incite or assist. It is also not unusual for younger relatives to be selected to undertake the abuse as a way to protect senior members of the family. Sometimes contract killers and bounty hunters will also be employed.
Domestic abuse is often talked about in a gendered manner, but it is important to recognise that men experience domestic abuse as victims too. Men's experiences are likely to be significantly different to women though.
The research that is available suggests that women are more likely than men to experience domestic abuse in their lives and to suffer repeated victimisation. They are also more likely to be injured, or have to seek medical help. Another difference is that men are less likely to be murdered by female abusers; Home Office figures reveal that on average, 100 women a year and around 30 men a year are killed within a domestic abuse context. Women are almost exclusively killed by men whereas in contrast approximately one third of the men are killed by other men and a little under a third are killed by women against whom they have a documented history of abuse.
Many men who experience domestic abuse from a current or former partner find it difficult to get support; not least because it can be hard for men to acknowledge and discuss their experiences. This can be due to any number of reasons, including love for a partner, embarrassment or shame and concern for any children, or simply not knowing where to go.
Men may attempt different techniques to cope. Coping strategies including adopting an ‘I can handle this' attitude and adapting their behaviour to appease the abuser. Coping strategies like this may make life temporarily safer and easier but they are unlikely to stop the abuse.
An abused women is often overwhelmed by fear, which can govern her every move – a fear of: further violence, the unknown, her safety and the safety of her children – do not underestimate the effects of fear
She often believes that she is at fault and that by changing her behaviour the abuse will stop. Research shows that this is not the case
She may experience a conflict of emotions. She may love her partner, but hate the violence. She may live in hope that his good side will reappear
She may be dependent upon her partner, emotionally and financially
She may experience feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment
She may feel resigned and hopeless and find it hard to make decisions about her future
Talk to her and help her to open up. You may have to try several times before she will confide in you
Try to be direct and start by saying something like,“I’m worried about you because …..” or“I’m concerned about your safety…”
Do not judge her
Listen to and believe what she tells you – too often people do not believe a woman when she first discloses abuse
Reassure her that the abuse is not her fault and that you are there for her
Don’t tell her to leave or criticise her for staying. Although you may want her to leave, she has to make that decision in her own time. It is important to remember that research shows an abused woman is at most risk at the point of separation and immediately after leaving an abusive partner
Leaving takes a great deal of strength and courage. An abused woman often faces huge obstacles such as nowhere to go, no money and no-one to turn to for support
Focus on supporting her and building her self confidence
Acknowledge her strengths and frequently remind her that she is coping well with a challenging and stressful situation
An abused woman is often very isolated and has no meaningful support – help her to develop or to keep up her outside contacts. This can help to boost her self esteem.
If she has not spoken to anyone else, encourage her to seek the help of a local domestic violence agency that understands what she is going through and offers specialist support and advice
Be patient. It can take time for a woman to recognise she is being abused and even longer to take be able to take safe and permanent decisions about what to do. Recognising the problem is an important first step
A woman’s safety and the safety of her children is paramount
Talk to her about how she and her children can keep safe
Help her to stay safe:
Encourage her to think of ways in which she can increase the safety of her children
Remember that it isn’t children’s responsibility to protect their mother. In an emergency they could call for help from the police, go to a neighbour, or a relative or someone they trust.
When you look at someone how can you tell if they are a victim of domestic abuse? When you look at me can you see a victim of domestic abuse? No? Well I married a man who emotionally, verbally, financially & psychologically abused me throughout our marriage. Then every partner I have had since has abused me since. Is that my fault? Is it a pattern?
This is why I am happier alone.
We all have a responsibility to stop this, if you or someone you know is being abused please, please get help.
Possibly more fun in the next blog xx
We never know what goes on behind closed doors of someone's home. Domestic violence is not only physical, its mental abuse, its verbal abuse, its sexual abuse, its financial abuse, its honour based abuse. No-one has the right to treat another human being in this way. Domestic violence is a crime & one in four women/men will be affected by some form of domestic abuse in their lifetime.
Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Its aim is to chip away at the confidence and independence of victims with the intention of making her compliant and limiting her ability to leave. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, threats of violence and controlling behaviour.
Many abused women define the psychological effects of domestic abuse as having a ‘more profound effect on their lives- even where there have been life-threatening or disabling physical violence . Despite this, there is almost always pressure to define domestic abuse in terms of actual or threatened, physical violence.
There are a broad range of behaviours that come under the heading of physical abuse including actions such as punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning and strangling. It should be noted that strangulation is the most common method of intimate partner homicide.
Rape and sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships because a women's right to consent is likely to be ignored. In fact evidence suggests that 45% of all rape is committed by current partners and these incidents are less likely to come to the attention of the police than those committed by strangers . Any situation in which an individual is forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. In addition, women whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are thought to be at a higher risk of experiencing multiple and escalating assaults. Research also indicates that women who are raped by their husbands or partners are likely to suffer severe psychological affects because of the prolonged level of fear they are likely to experience.
Economic or financial abuse aims to limit a victim's ability to access help. Tactics may include controlling the finances; withholding money or credit cards; making someone unreasonably account for money spent/petrol used; exploiting assets; withholding basic necessities; preventing someone from working; deliberately running up debts; forcing someone to work against their will and sabotaging someone's job.
‘Honour' based violence (HBV) is a form of domestic abuse which is perpetrated in the name of so called ‘honour'. The honour code which it refers to is set at the discretion of male relatives and women who do not abide by the ‘rules' are then punished for bringing shame on the family. Infringements may include a woman having a boyfriend; rejecting a forced marriage; pregnancy outside of marriage; interfaith relationships; seeking divorce, inappropriate dress or make-up and even kissing in a public place.
HBV can exist in any culture or community where males are in position to establish and enforce women's conduct, examples include: Turkish; Kurdish; Afghani; South Asian; African; Middle Eastern; South and Eastern European; Gypsy and the travelling community (this is not an exhaustive list).
Males can also be victims, sometimes as a consequence of a relationship which is deemed to be inappropriate, if they are gay, have a disability or if they have assisted a victim.
This is not a crime which is perpetrated by men only, sometimes female relatives will support, incite or assist. It is also not unusual for younger relatives to be selected to undertake the abuse as a way to protect senior members of the family. Sometimes contract killers and bounty hunters will also be employed.
Domestic abuse is often talked about in a gendered manner, but it is important to recognise that men experience domestic abuse as victims too. Men's experiences are likely to be significantly different to women though.
The research that is available suggests that women are more likely than men to experience domestic abuse in their lives and to suffer repeated victimisation. They are also more likely to be injured, or have to seek medical help. Another difference is that men are less likely to be murdered by female abusers; Home Office figures reveal that on average, 100 women a year and around 30 men a year are killed within a domestic abuse context. Women are almost exclusively killed by men whereas in contrast approximately one third of the men are killed by other men and a little under a third are killed by women against whom they have a documented history of abuse.
Many men who experience domestic abuse from a current or former partner find it difficult to get support; not least because it can be hard for men to acknowledge and discuss their experiences. This can be due to any number of reasons, including love for a partner, embarrassment or shame and concern for any children, or simply not knowing where to go.
Men may attempt different techniques to cope. Coping strategies including adopting an ‘I can handle this' attitude and adapting their behaviour to appease the abuser. Coping strategies like this may make life temporarily safer and easier but they are unlikely to stop the abuse.
- Agree a code word or action that is only known to you both so she can signal when she is in danger and cannot access help herself
- Don’t make plans for her yourself, but encourage her to think about her safety more closely and focus on her own needs rather than his
- Find out information about local services for her; offer to keep spare sets of keys or important documents, such as passports, benefit books, in a safe place for her so that she can access them quickly in an emergency
When you look at someone how can you tell if they are a victim of domestic abuse? When you look at me can you see a victim of domestic abuse? No? Well I married a man who emotionally, verbally, financially & psychologically abused me throughout our marriage. Then every partner I have had since has abused me since. Is that my fault? Is it a pattern?
This is why I am happier alone.
We all have a responsibility to stop this, if you or someone you know is being abused please, please get help.
Possibly more fun in the next blog xx
Monday 22 April 2013
Have you missed me????
Sorry I haven't written for a while, sometimes life just takes over, but I am sorry that I have neglected you :(
Anyway back to it, I havent dated at all since the chef....the limp & man bag just put me off.....well it would really!
This blog isn't really about me dating, sorry, this is more about what my life is like at the moment, I find it quite theraputic to write about everything & sometimes you just have to get it out there to let it go.
So the past 12 months have actually been a bit shitty for me, I had a bit of a breakdown last May, to the point where I just wanted to end it all, but thankfully I have such a strong network of family around me that they got me through it. Certain things made me very unhappy & some people brought me to breaking point, but I have realised that the problem isn't mine it is actually theirs.
If you don't already know I suffer with depression & I have done for about 19 years, I have no problem discussing mental health issues, some people never have any issues but some people have major ones. I am one of those that has some big problems dealing with depression, this doesn't mean that I am constantly weeping & wailing, unless you know me well you probably wouldn't even know that I suffer with depression. Just because I have depression doesn't mean that I can't laugh & joke, people with mental health issues do still have a sense of humour.
Ok so you now all know that I have depression, probably the reason why I have been so quiet for a while. But I have actually been quite busy, we have had the builders in renovating the estate where I live.....quite nice to look at until they open their mouths! So we have been living in a building site for the past year, mud, dirt & more mud. Walking the dog has been interesing, especially as he tends to walk me. I have only managed to fall over the once, but I was covered in mud & all anyone was interested in was if the dog is ok!!!!! Yes he is fine, but my bum is bruised!
I have spent alot of time thinking over my past & the disasterous relationships that I get into & the possible reasons why......I mean lets face it, I have been with a control freak, a married man, a stalker, a verbal/mental abusive man & some general weirdos. So what is it that drawers them to me???? I think it might be because I actually suffer from low self esteem, but think about this when you feel low about yourself you arent actually strong enough to deal with the blood suckers out there, now I am strong enough I actually don't want to deal with them! I am happy as a strong independent women & I like the fact that I can actually do as I want.
Don't get me wrong, I love dating, it makes life interesting, but I am not one of these needy women that have to have a man. I know women that will happily settle for anyone, but I will not settle. I want someone perfect for me, someone that accepts all my faults, lets me have my freedom & can cope with the fact that I am very close to my family.....OMG I know who this perfect man is.....its my DOG!!!!!
I know women that like men they can control, but I like my men to have a backbone, no-one really wants some drippy bloke that you can walk all over, wheres the fun in that, wheres the passion. I have truly loved one man & he was a mans man, he could stand up to me & my mistake was to love him too much, he didn't love me back. I will always look back at that relationship with rose tinted glasses, even though I know just how dangerous he was.
Well hopefully the next time I write it will be full of humour & not so much about my mental health. But should you want to know anything, groups, where to get help from just ask. As long as we all help each other we can get through this.
Bye xx
Anyway back to it, I havent dated at all since the chef....the limp & man bag just put me off.....well it would really!
This blog isn't really about me dating, sorry, this is more about what my life is like at the moment, I find it quite theraputic to write about everything & sometimes you just have to get it out there to let it go.
So the past 12 months have actually been a bit shitty for me, I had a bit of a breakdown last May, to the point where I just wanted to end it all, but thankfully I have such a strong network of family around me that they got me through it. Certain things made me very unhappy & some people brought me to breaking point, but I have realised that the problem isn't mine it is actually theirs.
If you don't already know I suffer with depression & I have done for about 19 years, I have no problem discussing mental health issues, some people never have any issues but some people have major ones. I am one of those that has some big problems dealing with depression, this doesn't mean that I am constantly weeping & wailing, unless you know me well you probably wouldn't even know that I suffer with depression. Just because I have depression doesn't mean that I can't laugh & joke, people with mental health issues do still have a sense of humour.
Ok so you now all know that I have depression, probably the reason why I have been so quiet for a while. But I have actually been quite busy, we have had the builders in renovating the estate where I live.....quite nice to look at until they open their mouths! So we have been living in a building site for the past year, mud, dirt & more mud. Walking the dog has been interesing, especially as he tends to walk me. I have only managed to fall over the once, but I was covered in mud & all anyone was interested in was if the dog is ok!!!!! Yes he is fine, but my bum is bruised!
I have spent alot of time thinking over my past & the disasterous relationships that I get into & the possible reasons why......I mean lets face it, I have been with a control freak, a married man, a stalker, a verbal/mental abusive man & some general weirdos. So what is it that drawers them to me???? I think it might be because I actually suffer from low self esteem, but think about this when you feel low about yourself you arent actually strong enough to deal with the blood suckers out there, now I am strong enough I actually don't want to deal with them! I am happy as a strong independent women & I like the fact that I can actually do as I want.
Don't get me wrong, I love dating, it makes life interesting, but I am not one of these needy women that have to have a man. I know women that will happily settle for anyone, but I will not settle. I want someone perfect for me, someone that accepts all my faults, lets me have my freedom & can cope with the fact that I am very close to my family.....OMG I know who this perfect man is.....its my DOG!!!!!
I know women that like men they can control, but I like my men to have a backbone, no-one really wants some drippy bloke that you can walk all over, wheres the fun in that, wheres the passion. I have truly loved one man & he was a mans man, he could stand up to me & my mistake was to love him too much, he didn't love me back. I will always look back at that relationship with rose tinted glasses, even though I know just how dangerous he was.
Well hopefully the next time I write it will be full of humour & not so much about my mental health. But should you want to know anything, groups, where to get help from just ask. As long as we all help each other we can get through this.
Bye xx
Chef
Ok so I thought I would dip my toe in the dating water yet again. I started seeing a chef, due to his hours of work I never saw him till late at night & only once a week, which suited me as I can be a bit lazy when it comes to anything interfering in my home life.
Well he seemed like the perfect gentleman, always letting me walk before him, thats right walk 5 paces behind me I am the boss! Opening doors, taking me to dimly lit romantic places. About time I hear you scream....
Anyway, we never really managed to see much of each other so we decided to meet up at covent garden during the school holidays for a day out, lunch, drinks that sort of thing. I managed to get there first & just text to say where I would meet him, oh shit how would I recognise him in the daylight........!
Oh hell I couldn't miss him....he had a man bag & a limp how has this happened to me. Ok drink is the only way to get through the day.....
Well he seemed like the perfect gentleman, always letting me walk before him, thats right walk 5 paces behind me I am the boss! Opening doors, taking me to dimly lit romantic places. About time I hear you scream....
Anyway, we never really managed to see much of each other so we decided to meet up at covent garden during the school holidays for a day out, lunch, drinks that sort of thing. I managed to get there first & just text to say where I would meet him, oh shit how would I recognise him in the daylight........!
Oh hell I couldn't miss him....he had a man bag & a limp how has this happened to me. Ok drink is the only way to get through the day.....
How did I end up getting back into dating??
I suppose I should tell you all about how come I have ended up dating in my forties, what I hear you scream you are in your forties??? I know people I am looking good! And yes I have a sense of humour to go along with it!
Anyway, you all know how it goes, boy meets girl, boy marries girl, HUGE white wedding, well pink really, life returns to normal!
Really my ex husband & I were far to young to get married, when I look at my daughter now I cant imagine her getting married in 2 years time but I was only 20 & as silly as arseholes! But we got married, I should have just had a 21st party that year, it would have been cheaper! Thankfully 12 years after we got divorced my ex has finally agreed that we were just to young.
I am thankful that we had our 2 kids, ok so they drive me insane but I wouldn't change a thing & they are my whole world.
So the ex & I are married, mortgaged & have 2 kids, time to grow up, well that ends up being the woman's job & the men just carry on going out, drinking, playing football & so it happens chasing women!
Now the ex started off as a nice guy but somewhere along the line he became what can only be classed as a knob! Thankfully my mum brought me up to realise that revenge is silent.....ladies this is where you start taking notes:
If he comes in late - take his toothbrush in your right hand & proceed to the toilet, what you will now do is clean it, really give it a good scrub, well you aren't going to kiss him any time soon are you?
If he dares to answer you back - toothbrush again, for this you need a pet of some sort, dogs are the best, cos your dog will now be the only one in your street with minty fresh breath.
Whoops dropped his steak on the floor, quick brush it off, put it on his plate & watch him really enjoy his dinner.
Ok so that is all quite childish but it realy does make you feel so much better......
After 9 years of marriage it sadly ended, these things happen & it was actually no-ones fault just one of those things.
But then after brushing myself off, picking myself up I am back to the dating game & along the way I have met many absolute knobs & had some extremley funny dates & some met some interesting people. But utimately I am still single, but that is actually how I like it.
I have learnt some valuable lessons & learnt about myself & the things I like & the men that I am attracted to I just hope you enjoy the ride!
Anyway, you all know how it goes, boy meets girl, boy marries girl, HUGE white wedding, well pink really, life returns to normal!
Really my ex husband & I were far to young to get married, when I look at my daughter now I cant imagine her getting married in 2 years time but I was only 20 & as silly as arseholes! But we got married, I should have just had a 21st party that year, it would have been cheaper! Thankfully 12 years after we got divorced my ex has finally agreed that we were just to young.
I am thankful that we had our 2 kids, ok so they drive me insane but I wouldn't change a thing & they are my whole world.
So the ex & I are married, mortgaged & have 2 kids, time to grow up, well that ends up being the woman's job & the men just carry on going out, drinking, playing football & so it happens chasing women!
Now the ex started off as a nice guy but somewhere along the line he became what can only be classed as a knob! Thankfully my mum brought me up to realise that revenge is silent.....ladies this is where you start taking notes:
If he comes in late - take his toothbrush in your right hand & proceed to the toilet, what you will now do is clean it, really give it a good scrub, well you aren't going to kiss him any time soon are you?
If he dares to answer you back - toothbrush again, for this you need a pet of some sort, dogs are the best, cos your dog will now be the only one in your street with minty fresh breath.
Whoops dropped his steak on the floor, quick brush it off, put it on his plate & watch him really enjoy his dinner.
Ok so that is all quite childish but it realy does make you feel so much better......
After 9 years of marriage it sadly ended, these things happen & it was actually no-ones fault just one of those things.
But then after brushing myself off, picking myself up I am back to the dating game & along the way I have met many absolute knobs & had some extremley funny dates & some met some interesting people. But utimately I am still single, but that is actually how I like it.
I have learnt some valuable lessons & learnt about myself & the things I like & the men that I am attracted to I just hope you enjoy the ride!
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