Domestic Violence

Not only do I support mental health awareness, I am a strong supporter of domestic violence awareness, not only for women but for men to.

We never know what goes on behind closed doors of someone's home. Domestic violence is not only physical, its mental abuse, its verbal abuse, its sexual abuse, its financial abuse, its honour based abuse. No-one has the right to treat another human being in this way. Domestic violence is a crime & one in four women/men will be affected by some form of domestic abuse in their lifetime.

Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Its aim is to chip away at the confidence and independence of victims with the intention of making her compliant and limiting her ability to leave. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, threats of violence and controlling behaviour.
Many abused women define the psychological effects of domestic abuse as having a ‘more profound effect on their lives- even where there have been life-threatening or disabling physical violence . Despite this, there is almost always pressure to define domestic abuse in terms of actual or threatened, physical violence.

There are a broad range of behaviours that come under the heading of physical abuse including actions such as punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning and strangling. It should be noted that strangulation is the most common method of intimate partner homicide.

Rape and sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships because a women's right to consent is likely to be ignored. In fact evidence suggests that 45% of all rape is committed by current partners and these incidents are less likely to come to the attention of the police than those committed by strangers . Any situation in which an individual is forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. In addition, women whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are thought to be at a higher risk of experiencing multiple and escalating assaults. Research also indicates that women who are raped by their husbands or partners are likely to suffer severe psychological affects because of the prolonged level of fear they are likely to experience.

Economic or financial abuse aims to limit a victim's ability to access help. Tactics may include controlling the finances; withholding money or credit cards; making someone unreasonably account for money spent/petrol used; exploiting assets; withholding basic necessities; preventing someone from working; deliberately running up debts; forcing someone to work against their will and sabotaging someone's job.

‘Honour' based violence (HBV) is a form of domestic abuse which is perpetrated in the name of so called ‘honour'. The honour code which it refers to is set at the discretion of male relatives and women who do not abide by the ‘rules' are then punished for bringing shame on the family. Infringements may include a woman having a boyfriend; rejecting a forced marriage; pregnancy outside of marriage; interfaith relationships; seeking divorce, inappropriate dress or make-up and even kissing in a public place.
HBV can exist in any culture or community where males are in position to establish and enforce women's conduct, examples include: Turkish; Kurdish; Afghani; South Asian; African; Middle Eastern; South and Eastern European; Gypsy and the travelling community (this is not an exhaustive list).
Males can also be victims, sometimes as a consequence of a relationship which is deemed to be inappropriate, if they are gay, have a disability or if they have assisted a victim.
This is not a crime which is perpetrated by men only, sometimes female relatives will support, incite or assist. It is also not unusual for younger relatives to be selected to undertake the abuse as a way to protect senior members of the family. Sometimes contract killers and bounty hunters will also be employed.

Domestic abuse is often talked about in a gendered manner, but it is important to recognise that men experience domestic abuse as victims too. Men's experiences are likely to be significantly different to women though.
The research that is available suggests that women are more likely than men to experience domestic abuse in their lives and to suffer repeated victimisation. They are also more likely to be injured, or have to seek medical help. Another difference is that men are less likely to be murdered by female abusers; Home Office figures reveal that on average, 100 women a year and around 30 men a year are killed within a domestic abuse context. Women are almost exclusively killed by men whereas in contrast approximately one third of the men are killed by other men and a little under a third are killed by women against whom they have a documented history of abuse.
Many men who experience domestic abuse from a current or former partner find it difficult to get support; not least because it can be hard for men to acknowledge and discuss their experiences. This can be due to any number of reasons, including love for a partner, embarrassment or shame and concern for any children, or simply not knowing where to go.
Men may attempt different techniques to cope. Coping strategies including adopting an ‘I can handle this' attitude and adapting their behaviour to appease the abuser. Coping strategies like this may make life temporarily safer and easier but they are unlikely to stop the abuse.

An abused women is often overwhelmed by fear, which can govern her every move – a fear of: further violence, the unknown, her safety and the safety of her children – do not underestimate the effects of fear

She often believes that she is at fault and that by changing her behaviour the abuse will stop. Research shows that this is not the case

She may experience a conflict of emotions. She may love her partner, but hate the violence. She may live in hope that his good side will reappear

She may be dependent upon her partner, emotionally and financially

She may experience feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment

She may feel resigned and hopeless and find it hard to make decisions about her future

Talk to her and help her to open up. You may have to try several times before she will confide in you

Try to be direct and start by saying something like,“I’m worried about you because …..” or“I’m concerned about your safety…”

Do not judge her

Listen to and believe what she tells you – too often people do not believe a woman when she first discloses abuse

Reassure her that the abuse is not her fault and that you are there for her

Don’t tell her to leave or criticise her for staying. Although you may want her to leave, she has to make that decision in her own time. It is important to remember that research shows an abused woman is at most risk at the point of separation and immediately after leaving an abusive partner

Leaving takes a great deal of strength and courage. An abused woman often faces huge obstacles such as nowhere to go, no money and no-one to turn to for support

Focus on supporting her and building her self confidence

Acknowledge her strengths and frequently remind her that she is coping well with a challenging and stressful situation

An abused woman is often very isolated and has no meaningful support – help her to develop or to keep up her outside contacts. This can help to boost her self esteem.

If she has not spoken to anyone else, encourage her to seek the help of a local domestic violence agency that understands what she is going through and offers specialist support and advice

Be patient. It can take time for a woman to recognise she is being abused and even longer to take be able to take safe and permanent decisions about what to do. Recognising the problem is an important first step

A woman’s safety and the safety of her children is paramount

Talk to her about how she and her children can keep safe

Help her to stay safe:

• Agree a code word or action that is only known to you both so she can signal when she is in danger and cannot access help herself
• Don’t make plans for her yourself, but encourage her to think about her safety more closely and focus on her own needs rather than his
• Find out information about local services for her; offer to keep spare sets of keys or important documents, such as passports, benefit books, in a safe place for her so that she can access them quickly in an emergency

Encourage her to think of ways in which she can increase the safety of her children

Remember that it isn’t children’s responsibility to protect their mother. In an emergency they could call for help from the police, go to a neighbour, or a relative or someone they trust.

When you look at someone how can you tell if they are a victim of domestic abuse? When you look at me can you see a victim of domestic abuse? No? Well I married a man who emotionally, verbally, financially & psychologically abused me throughout our marriage. Then every partner I have had since has abused me since. Is that my fault? Is it a pattern?

This is why I am happier alone.

We all have a responsibility to stop this, if you or someone you know is being abused please, please get help.

Possibly more fun in the next blog xx