Sorry I haven't written for a while, sometimes life just takes over, but I am sorry that I have neglected you :(
Anyway back to it, I havent dated at all since the chef....the limp & man bag just put me off.....well it would really!
This blog isn't really about me dating, sorry, this is more about what my life is like at the moment, I find it quite theraputic to write about everything & sometimes you just have to get it out there to let it go.
So the past 12 months have actually been a bit shitty for me, I had a bit of a breakdown last May, to the point where I just wanted to end it all, but thankfully I have such a strong network of family around me that they got me through it. Certain things made me very unhappy & some people brought me to breaking point, but I have realised that the problem isn't mine it is actually theirs.
If you don't already know I suffer with depression & I have done for about 19 years, I have no problem discussing mental health issues, some people never have any issues but some people have major ones. I am one of those that has some big problems dealing with depression, this doesn't mean that I am constantly weeping & wailing, unless you know me well you probably wouldn't even know that I suffer with depression. Just because I have depression doesn't mean that I can't laugh & joke, people with mental health issues do still have a sense of humour.
Ok so you now all know that I have depression, probably the reason why I have been so quiet for a while. But I have actually been quite busy, we have had the builders in renovating the estate where I live.....quite nice to look at until they open their mouths! So we have been living in a building site for the past year, mud, dirt & more mud. Walking the dog has been interesing, especially as he tends to walk me. I have only managed to fall over the once, but I was covered in mud & all anyone was interested in was if the dog is ok!!!!! Yes he is fine, but my bum is bruised!
I have spent alot of time thinking over my past & the disasterous relationships that I get into & the possible reasons why......I mean lets face it, I have been with a control freak, a married man, a stalker, a verbal/mental abusive man & some general weirdos. So what is it that drawers them to me???? I think it might be because I actually suffer from low self esteem, but think about this when you feel low about yourself you arent actually strong enough to deal with the blood suckers out there, now I am strong enough I actually don't want to deal with them! I am happy as a strong independent women & I like the fact that I can actually do as I want.
Don't get me wrong, I love dating, it makes life interesting, but I am not one of these needy women that have to have a man. I know women that will happily settle for anyone, but I will not settle. I want someone perfect for me, someone that accepts all my faults, lets me have my freedom & can cope with the fact that I am very close to my family.....OMG I know who this perfect man is.....its my DOG!!!!!
I know women that like men they can control, but I like my men to have a backbone, no-one really wants some drippy bloke that you can walk all over, wheres the fun in that, wheres the passion. I have truly loved one man & he was a mans man, he could stand up to me & my mistake was to love him too much, he didn't love me back. I will always look back at that relationship with rose tinted glasses, even though I know just how dangerous he was.
Well hopefully the next time I write it will be full of humour & not so much about my mental health. But should you want to know anything, groups, where to get help from just ask. As long as we all help each other we can get through this.
Bye xx
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