Funerals......

When I was 14 or so I was asked out by a lad from a rival school, now that is a challenge really, how could I say no! Not only was he from a rival school he had a part time job working in his uncle's business, now this was a family business, as an undertaker, well we were only "going out" for a couple of weeks so there is no story to tell there but there is a pattern.....
After my divorce & when I used to party alot off I went to a club in uxbridge, I love a classy joint me! Well it was one of those nights where we didnt want to spend much so in the hand bags went the vodka bottles & off to the loos we would trot to refill our glasses. Well they had columns in this club & yes I did decided to have a go at pole dancing around them, well they were there & I just couldn't help myself! We had a great night of drinking & dancing.
The following week I had a funeral to go to with my mum & my uncle, while we were waiting for the service to start we decided to go & have a look in the memorial book, all of a sudden an under taker appeared from a side door. We went outside until the hearse arrived & while we were sedately waiting the undertaker came up to me & said he had seen me in the club at the weekend & had tried to speak to me, I wanted the ground to open up at that point, my mum did say to him she was probably fllitting about!!! Yes I was & I was as pissed as a fart! Well after the funeral my mum said that I should have given him my number as he would always be in employment & owned a suit!!!! The next day my wonderful mother informed me she had phoned the undertakers & left my number for him....me I changed my number & to this day I don't know if she was telling me the truth!!!
Fast forward to 2011, ok so we all know I am on a dating site, I started chatting to a man who seemed quite reasonable, he asked me if I would like to meet for lunch on a a Sunday, yes I said that would be pleasant. Then he told me what he did for a living....another bloody undertaker! Well I met him & if i didn't know before hand what he did after following him in his car i would have done! SLOW
I arranged to meet him in a lovely elegant bar in Hampton Court, nice cocktails, no parking available. So we end up in Walton in a bloody JD Weatherspoons, no atmosphere, I should have realised then he was taking me out for a bargin basement meal! Ok so I am NOT all about the money but its a first date & lets have a little bit of class.
I have a pet hate of food being eaten with hands if there is cutlery available, what happens he picks this chicken up, half a bloody chicken that is, & picks at the bones as if he hasnt eaten for a week. Now at that point I know it isnt going to go anywhere, lets face facts, I drive to fast, I have a twisted sense of humour & I have manners! Well I stay for the meal & manage to say my goodbyes without having to commit to a second date. But once home I start to think that maybe I should give him a second chance he might not be that bad. So when he calls me & asked me if I would like to meet for a coffee I agree......
Coffee.....hmmmm he meets me wearing shorts of some sort & god bothering sandles NOOOOO!!!! not only that he asks me if I want to go back to his place for the coffee, not on the second date, he lives above the funeral parlour.....OH NO! there is NO way I am going anywhere near that place until I am in a box! Needless to say there was not a third date....
Now can you see a pattern forming, I dated a part time undertaker at 14, I attracted an undertaker while drunk, I came home from a blind date in a funeral van & then I get invited back for coffee to an undertakers flat over the shop, dear god do I look like a corpse to you?????