Fear

Have you ever stood in a room full of people & felt so alone that you have such a pain in your chest that it actually feels like your heart is breaking? I have.
Most days I can be surrounded by people & still feel so lonely that I wonder if anyone notices that I am there or if they would miss me if I wasn't. Don't worry I am not talking about killing myself, just not being there for anyone anymore.
I sit alone at work, it's quite lonely being a receptionist, surprisingly, people come & go but they are never there long enough to talk to.
I come home, I cook dinner, I eat alone, I put the other two dinners in the microwave till the kids want theirs, I watch a bit of tv, then go to bed only to wake up & do it all over again. I know I'm not the only person that feels like this, but when it's you then it feels like it is.
My biggest fear, apart from any harm coming to my kids, is that I will die alone, I know that I am lucky that I have a close family around me, but in that last moment doesn't everyone want that one love to be there telling them that it will be ok, that they will always love them.
Is it so wrong to want it all, to keep my independence but to have someone that at the end of the day is there to listen to your day, to pour that glass of wine, to tell you that they love you? Or is that just movie talk?
Maybe the films have spoilt it all for us all, we want everything & if it isn't like the movies then it isn't enough for us?
Me I suppose I will keep kissing frogs looking for my prince & make sure my glass slipper is safe, just in case.
But still there is that undercurrent of fear that I will end my days alone, with just my books for company......